Monthly Reflection

August 2018 {monthly reflection}

I walked into August with high hopes. Given my health issues over the past few months, this was a little mix of a hope and a dream. While I’ve done my best to have a positive outlook, I was reluctant to think my life would be completely sorted out over thirty-one days in August. But I was hopeful. Very hopeful. Without thinking much, I went into autopilot mode at the beginning of the month and continued putting effort into relationships that weren’t equal. I continued doing what I do, which is put in effort when I should be more selfish with my time and mid-month I realized I was completely tired of putting in effort without getting much back in return. It dawned on me that I absolutely could not continue this pattern as it ultimately made me feel empty and lonely inside. Something had to change.

As I ventured to my home province of Ontario just over a week into the month to stand as a Maid of Honour in one of my best friend’s wedding, many things “clicked” as I arrived. I have never experienced so much clarity in my life. My friend (a therapist) agreed that the change was noticeable. It was as if a light switch went on. She remarked that over the course of our friendship, and especially the last decade, she has never seen me in such a low state. She noticed the shift when I landed. She experienced the shift and encouraged me to keep going. With her support, and with her forgiveness for being an absent friend, I realized many things this month.

I realized that I can get through all my health and mental health issues and come out stronger for doing so. I realized that as a giver, I need to learn to accept help. I realized it’s okay to actually ask for help. I realized it’s okay for me to voice my disappointment with close people in my life and that it doesn’t necessarily mean they haven’t cared about me. I realized that by putting others before myself all the time creates a cycle of where my needs are ignored and that’s exactly the opposite of what I want. I realized that I want someone to care.  

I realized that I AM cared for, in fact, I have an overwhelming support circle and that I can call upon them for anything I need. I have learned now to call on them.

I realized that I’ve been scared to go after what I genuinely want. I realized that while I’ve accomplished so much, I still have so much more I want to do; so much more that I will do.

I realized that I miss my family; I want to be around my nieces and nephew more. I realized that I want to be part of their growth.

I realized I am ready to be a life partner, and have been ready for some time but have been too afraid to ask for what I know my heart desires.

I realized that I could be much much happier and that my health is extremely important. If I don’t take care of me, who will pick up the pieces later?

I realized that my 20’s felt like I was a child. I was learning and growing, and now that I’m in my 30’s, I actually feel like an adult. I finally feel like a woman.

I also realized that magic is real, that what will be will always find a way. I realized that I’ve spent years being scared and afraid of my own potential.

I realized that many people will never understand the battles I’ve faced so far in 2018. I realized that it is actually okay.

I finally realized that I have the power and patience to go after what I want, even if it’s something I’ve desired for over a decade. I realized that just like a magnet, people who are meant to be in my life will find their way to me. I realized that I need more than everything I’ve been settling for.

So, with so many realizations, what were the most noteworthy?

Mind

When I released a stressor from my life, I found peace. It was not without a struggle. But my mind, along with my heart, feel much more at ease. I am no longer fighting against the tide.

Body

I haven’t been working out or eating too well, but I feel damn good in my body. I refuse to look at myself to simply see weight loss or gain because I know I am worth more than that. If someone wants to judge me or remark on my body shape, so be it. That’s their issue, not mine.
I must admit that I have never been a fan of strapless shirts or dresses. I’ve never felt comfortable in them. However, I felt beautiful when I wore my bridesmaid dress. I felt confident, and that is by far one of the best things I’ve felt body-wise in years!

Soul 

I can honestly say that my soul feels lighter. Through all these realizations, from visiting my hometown, from seeing so many friendly faces, I have elevated my spirit in more ways than one. I have always been a deep “feeler” and as soon as I allowed myself to experience the deepest of my emotions, my brain and heart connected in a way I haven’t ever felt. It’s as if I have a true sense of knowing. I have a sense of peace within. I have a love so deep it scares me, something I’ve ran from but am only now ready to embrace.

Simple Bliss

I had a beautiful moment watching the Perseid meteor shower with a friend. We saw the biggest, brightest, and longest trail of a meteor we’ve ever seen along with many shooting stars. It was a heavenly moment in which I knew that life would be a-okay. No matter what happens, life is beautiful and life goes on.

Songs on Repeat

Photo: Pexels 

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