I can’t help but feel like a broken record these days. July 2018 lasted for what felt like a week while I remained feeling at least two weeks behind. Near the end of the month, I called my friend who is engaged to be married in just a few weeks and we went over her to-do list. I admitted I am behind and we laughed at how it was good we were chatting now and not leaving everything until the last moment. I feel thankful for friends and family that have laughed with me and not at me during a time of illness. Learning to embrace the day and enjoy what I can has been a little difficult, especially this month while I bounced around from place to place.
I thought it would be wise to visit friends and family this month. I packed up my vehicle with all my necessities and visited a few people in both Alberta and British Columbia. While I was simply seeking emotional support and relaxation, I discovered that bouncing around stressed my brain and left me feeling quite scattered. It became difficult for me to do things for myself. In fact, I have discovered that this is an area I could strengthen. Having been brought up to be a “good girl” and always help other people, it was in my nature to offer to do yard work, housework, and many other little tasks for my friends and family. And while I genuinely enjoyed helping people this month, a part of me was screaming inside, “Help me! I really need help!” But I didn’t realize this until I had a breakdown near the end of the month. Yes. Adults can have breakdowns. I’m not proud of my actions but it happened. I learned more about myself through it, and through apologizing to others, I was able to see that I really do have wonderful people in my life.
On the last day of July, a friend challenged me. She said, “What do you need to do in order to be selfish with your time, Meg? What can you do to ensure you are your own priority? How else will you heal?” Due to travel and friend/wedding commitments, I honestly started laughing at scheduling being selfish. But it’s something I may need to do, so I am going into August with this in mind.
It’s incredible to think how I haven’t really enjoyed summer. My winter was so incredibly bad that it’s scarred me somehow. Instead of enjoying at a nice sandy beach or a beautiful sunrise, all I thought was, “Gee, soon this lake will be frozen and the sun will set at 4:00 p.m.” This kind of thinking has been incredibly hard on me as a fairly positive and enthusiastic person. That being said, I am determined to enjoy life as much as possible. But yeah, it’s difficult right now.
So, if July wasn’t my most ideal month, what were my highlights?
I went hiking twice earlier in the month with friends. When I say hiking, I don’t mean trails with carefully marked signs. The first hike we did was hard (I’m talking climbing up boulders), and the next wasn’t as difficult but we definitely had to bush-whack for most of it. Both hikes were only possible after driving over an hour and a half up an old logging road in Radium B.C. While I found myself to be agitated at a point during both hikes, I was proud of myself once both were complete. I gave thanks to my body for being functional and strong. I gave thanks to my friends for encouraging me to not stop, and I gave thanks to this beautiful planet we often all take for granted.
Another highlight was when I began to run again (okay, who am I kidding, I don’t run, I jog). At first, I wasn’t sure what my body could handle, and then I surprised myself with my endurance and the actual desire to want to jog. It’s as if my body was talking to me telling me to keep going. Jogging has become a terrific way for me to clear my head and get active.
This feels a little tricky. My mind was cluttered this month. I suppose my main highlight was when I felt free of my thoughts and issues and simply allowed myself to be in the moment. This didn’t happen that often, but when it did, I became acutely aware of the feelings and vibrations around the freedom of thoughts and stress, and both my mind and heart smiled. I tried meditating numerous times but often could not let go of my thoughts and became frustrated that I couldn’t clear my mind. So as you can imagine, realizing I had cleared my mind from time to time made me feel better.
I began learning more about the moon and its various cycles this month. There’s a wealth of knowledge and old teachings that modern-day people are disconnected from. I am striving to learn more about the earth and things our ancestors figured things out, only to be swept under the rug of modernism. This form of education really strikes a chord with my soul, so I know I am on the right path.
Songs on Repeat